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Let’s Talk Clarity before covenant

For Him/For Her/Pre-Marriage/For Couples

Every marriage is built on the conversations you have — and buried by the ones you avoid.

Four assessments for four seasons of love — from the day you start becoming ready, to the marriage that has quietly stopped talking. English and French. Any phone. Twenty-five minutes.

Find your starting point See a sample report
Money & obligation·Family & in-laws·Faith & covenant·Sex & body·Words & conflict·Roles & work·Children & fertility·Character & story·Money & obligation·Family & in-laws·Faith & covenant·Sex & body·Words & conflict·Roles & work·Children & fertility·Character & story·

Where are you right now?

Most tools start at the engagement — by then, half the questions are unaskable. Start where you actually are.

01 For Him “Am I ready to be someone’s husband?” Readiness & Discernment · 20 min · alone · free 02 For Her “Am I entering this whole, or hoping to be completed?” Readiness & Discernment · 20 min · alone · free 03 Pre-Marriage “Are we ready — together, and on purpose?” The Let’s Talk Assessment · 25 min each · with a Guide 04 For Couples “Are we still building, or just surviving?” Happily Ever After Check-Up · married · every 1–3 years

You were taught how to love.
Were you taught how to discern?

Let’s Talk About Him / Let’s Talk About Her — a discernment guide before covenant
A man alone. Walking, working, or sitting on a step. Composed, ordinary.
01
For Him

Before you ask her, ask yourself.

Marriage magnifies what already exists in a man. Two free assessments, taken on your own, show you what a wife would actually live with, and which parts of you are not ready yet.

  • Provision, work, and what you do with money you did not plan for
  • Temper and self-control, and what happens ten minutes after you lose an argument
  • Who is allowed to correct you, and what you did the last time they tried
  • What you learned about being a husband by watching your father

You receive your Readiness Map — six areas marked ready, growing or not yet, and a ninety-day plan for the weakest two.

Read more about For Him
A woman alone. Reading, walking, at a window. Quiet strength.
02
For Her

Enter whole. Then see clearly.

Two free assessments, taken alone. The first asks whether you are entering marriage whole or hoping to be completed. The second asks whether you are seeing a pattern, or a possibility you have imagined.

  • Fruit against hope: are you responding to what he does, or to what you hope he becomes?
  • Peace against pressure: does your body rest around him, or brace?
  • Whether his private choices match his public words
  • Safety — intimidation, monitoring, control — named without guilt

You receive your Clarity Map — what I see beside what I hope. The distance between the two columns is the finding.

Read more about For Her
An engaged couple mid-conversation across a table. One talking, one listening.
03
Pre-Marriage

Eight conversations decide a marriage. We score every one.

The full couple assessment, taken separately and debriefed by a certified Guide across four sessions. Money and obligation. Family and in-laws. Faith. Sex. Conflict. Roles. Children and fertility. Character.

  • In-laws are a domain, not a footnote
  • Money means obligation — how much you send home, and whether your partner knows
  • We ask about fertility, because your families will
  • Three scores per door: alignment, disclosure and heat

You receive your Conversation Map — eight doors, colour-coded, with the three questions to ask each other this week.

Read more about Pre-Marriage
A married couple, forties or older, at home. Kitchen, veranda, car.
04
For Couples

What has quietly closed since the wedding?

The same eight doors, retaken every one to three years, plus three measures only marriage can answer. Doors open. Doors also close again, usually without anyone deciding to close them.

  • Drift — are you moving toward each other, or quietly apart?
  • Repair — when you break something, do you mend it, or wait?
  • Delight — do you still enjoy each other, or only manage each other?
  • Includes the Let’s Talk About Sex module

You receive your Marriage Map — the same eight doors, with movement arrows against your last one.

Read more about For Couples

The instrument

Eight doors. Some open.
Some half-open.
Some never touched.

Each partner answers separately. We score three things for every conversation: how closely you agree, whether you have actually discussed it, and how charged the subject runs.

01High impact

Money & obligation

How much you send home each month, and whether your partner knows the figure.

12–15 min
02High impact

Family & in-laws

Whose family has the final word, and who may come and live with you.

12–15 min
03Essential

Faith & covenant

Who leads prayer, and what happens if one of you cools off.

10–12 min
04Most avoided

Sex & body

Expectation, history, refusal, health, and what neither of you has said.

15–18 min
05Essential

Words & conflict

How you fight, who leaves the room, and how you repair.

12–15 min
06Essential

Roles & work

Whose career moves the family, and who does what at home.

12–15 min
07Most avoided

Children & fertility

How many, when, and what you will do if children do not come.

10–12 min
08High impact

Character & story

Temperament, family of origin, and what you learned by watching your parents.

12–15 min

Agreeing by accident is not the same as agreeing on purpose. Where you appear to agree but have never discussed it, we mark the door amber.

Open Half-open Closed — start here
Try the assessment
A pastor in conversation with a couple

How it works

Four steps, one honest afternoon

01

Choose your assessment

Alone if you are single. Together, through a Guide, if you are courting, engaged or married.

02

Answer separately

Twenty-five minutes on your own phone. Honest answers only work when nobody is reading over your shoulder.

03

Receive your report

Eight doors, colour-coded, with the three questions to ask each other this week for every one of them.

04

Have the conversations

Your Guide takes you through four sessions, beginning with the doors you have never opened.

The series

Five books behind the assessments

Denis & Arit Ekobena write the books. The assessments turn each one into something a couple can actually sit down and do.

A discernment guide before covenant

See her clearly. Lead without controlling.

A discernment guide before covenant

Discern character before attachment.

The eight conversations

The eight doors, opened one at a time.

The conversation the church skipped

Rules were given. Words were not.

Staying open for thirty years

What quietly closes, and how to reopen it.

Let’s Talk About Sex

The conversation the church skipped — and the marriage pays for.

Expectation. History. Shame. Refusal. Health. Pornography. What “no” means inside a covenant, and what “yes” costs when it is not true. Written plainly for Christian couples who were handed rules and never handed words.

Sex. Love. Marriage — does the order matter? God’s design, the world’s distortion, and the way back.

Take the Intimacy Check The book and the course
Let’s Talk About Sex by Denis Ekobena — book cover

The framework beneath everything

Friendship. Courtship.
Engagement. Marriage.

We do not use the word “dating.” Scripture and our grandparents both knew a better order: knowing before binding, counsel before commitment, confirmation before declaration. Each season has its own assessment.

01

Friendship

Knowing, not entangling. Questions, observation, prayer. No titles, no possession, no compromise.

Readiness & Discernment
02

Courtship

Begins after clarity. Exclusive, intentional, accountable, with families and mentors involved.

Discernment Check
03

Engagement

Not discovery, but confirmation. Compatibility established, readiness evident, commitment public.

Pre-Marriage Assessment
04

Marriage

Covenant. Built on a foundation rather than a hope, and still worth checking every few years.

Happily Ever After

Every assessment gives you a Map — and the Maps fit together.

Take one alone before you commit. Take one together before you marry. Take one again every few years after. Same language, same colours, one continuous picture of your life.

Clarity Map→Readiness Map→Conversation Map→Marriage Map
4
Assessments
8
Conversations scored
2
Languages
25min
Per partner

Safety comes before scoring

The Discernment Check asks about intimidation, pressure and control, for men and for women. Every page carrying it has a Quick exit link. Nothing is emailed without your permission, and nothing is ever visible to the person you are discerning about. If an answer raises a serious concern you are given real help in your own country, not a score. Read the full policy.

For pastors, counsellors & mentors

Become a Let’s Talk Guide

One certification covers all four assessments — the single man, the woman discerning, the engaged couple, the marriage at thirty years. Manual, session scripts, directory listing, and a safeguarding module you cannot skip.

Become a Guide

For churches & organisations

Let’s Talk Church

The assessments are free to your people forever. Buy the course materials, we train you and your leaders, and then you teach your church. Run the singles’ class, the pre-marriage course and the marriage retreat off one platform, in English and French, with your own leaders everyone you are shepherding.

Materials and training

Questions

Before you start

Do we have to be Christian to use this?
No. The eight conversations, the scoring and the report stand on their own, and any couple can use them. Our convictions about covenant are Christian and we do not hide that, but nothing is withheld from a couple who does not share them. Churches that want the discipleship material add the Covenant Track, which includes Scripture, prayer and the theology of covenant.
Is this a test we can fail?
No. There is no pass mark and no compatibility score. The report shows you which conversations you have had, which you only appear to have had, and which you have never opened. A closed door is the reason you came, not a verdict against you.
Can we take it without a Guide?
The Readiness Profile and the Discernment Check are taken alone and need no Guide. The Pre-Marriage Assessment and the Happily Ever After Check-Up are designed to be debriefed by a trained Guide, because the value is in the conversation the report starts, not the report itself.
How do we pay?
MTN Mobile Money, Orange Money, card and bank transfer for Africa; card and PayPal elsewhere. Prices are set regionally, so couples in Douala or Lagos pay African prices, not American ones.
Who sees our answers?
Nobody — including us. Your answers are scored on your own phone and are never sent to, or stored on, our servers. There is no database of answers to hack, because it does not exist. The couple report is built from a code you two exchange directly with each other, and it shows patterns, never each other's raw answers. If a Guide walks you through your report, it is because you handed it to them. Full detail on the privacy page.
Is it available in French?
Yes. The assessments, the reports and the Guide training are written in French, not machine-translated. Some pages of this website are still being translated; the language switch is at the top of every page.

Start with one honest question. We will bring the other 119.

The Readiness Profile and the Discernment Check are free. Take one on your own, today, in about twenty minutes.

Start free See a sample report